missing my old life

when i was little, i saw myself as a highly successful and happily married woman with a kid by the age of 25. now, i'm a quarter of a century year old and i'm neither of the things i pictured myself to be. but it's alright. i'm not planning to settle down anytime soon anyway. what bothers me is when i remember what i used to do and dream about when i was still in college.

when i took the upcat, i had no idea what course i wanted to take, so i settled with the one with what seemed to me to have the fanciest title: doctor of dental medicine. after 6 years, i'd finally be a doctor! but at the end of pre-dent, i realized that dentistry didn't suit me at all. i found out what i really am interested in: cultural studies. i quickly shifted to philippine arts and fell in love with the course. i finally felt at home. i tried my hand in every class that was offered, and was happily surprised when i found out that i excelled in almost all of them. i had such a blast learning about aesthetics, reading about different cultures and histories, dabbling in painting, drawing, shooting photos, playing music, writing, acting, designing, curating, etc.

i spent lazy weekday afternoons in libraries (upm cas, ccp, natl lib, nhi, upd cm, etc.), even if i didn't need to research anything for school. i would grab a backpack full of books and head home, reading under the covers until the wee hours of the morning. thursday evenings were spent going to exhibit openings and gala premieres of different production companies. friday evenings would be reserved for watching concerts, gigs, and poetry reading sessions. saturday afternoons would be spent watching matinee shows at the ccp or going to different museums around the metro. sunday afternoons were spent with my bandmates in rehearsal studios or in our tiny apartment, playing good ole rock 'n roll. i was also very active with a couple of school orgs and i was in charge of inviting several artists to give lectures / workshops. i was also the resident percussionist and set designer of our theatre company. needless to say, it was exhausting, but i was enjoying every moment of it.

i also remember going to provinces and experiencing different cultures. i was part of the research staff of the manlilikha exhibit in ccp and was sent to all sorts of locations to interview artisans and to get exhibit items. i was able to meet local politicians, tribal leaders, and shamans. i will never forget being invited by a mumbaki to join them in playing the tongatong in a healing ritual. it was a magical experience, in every sense of the word.

i really thought that i finally found my place in the world. that i would lead the way towards a philippine renaissance. i imagined myself travelling around the philippines and immersing in different cultures. afterwards, i would be writing about my experiences and get published internationally. i saw myself having a phd in philippine studies and heading the ccp or the ncca.

but then reality caught up with me, and i'm stuck where i am right now. bummer.